Isn’t It Ironic, Don’t You Think?

As irony would have it, I’m moving to what USA Today called the worst-dressed town in America in 1988. Today, I begin a cross-country journey to Durango, Colorado, for new adventure and a new career hopefully. (FYI, I’m currently seeking freelance and/or work-from-home opportunities!!) Considering my strong feelings about poor fashion choices, it’s rather comical I’m moving to a place where socks and sandals are de rigueur, Western wear is trending and Patagonia, North Face and Burton are the unofficial uniforms.

All that being said, I suppose I can’t really get upset considering I am moving to a place where everyday is a postcard, downtown Main Street does have some cute boutiques and, well, these Burton pants are pretty great!

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However, I do lament that all my great winter heels may have to stay shelved more often than not. And, I am embarking on a work-from-home career, so I may bring business casual to an all time low. Stay tuned …..

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It Came From the Swamp

Tarte Cosmetics launched a limited-edition eye and cheek palette earlier this summer titled “Swamp Queen.” I don’t know about you, but the name doesn’t exactly promise beauty sovereignty.

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While the name itself isn’t overly ridiculous, I feel the need to speak out for my people — Southerners from the Deep South, that is. Having spent much of my formative years in southern Mississippi and Louisiana, where we eat things that do come from the mud, alligators cross the road and the stink of Bourbon Street is like a welcome home, we take our connections to the bayou seriously. While many of us may very well feel like a queen of the swamp — especially after a few hurricanes or hand grenades — the name of this makeup palette has left me with a little dry mouth.

After a bit of research, it turns out that “Swamp Queen” is the pseudonym of YouTube personality Bunny Meyer, who is also known as grav3yardgirl. She’s from Pearland, Texas, which is a suburb of Houston. I don’t know about you folks, but Pearland is no more the swamp than Washington, D.C. And, while her “swamp family” is growing faster than you can say Tchoutacabouffa River, her connection to the swamplands only goes as far as the History Channel.

“Grabbin’ gators with one hand and gulping sweet tea with the other,” is her tagline. The gator, in her case, is stuffed I believe. Tea — at least she knows how it should be drunk.

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Inside, the names of the individual blushes and shadows are only slightly less counterfeit. Is “Gator Wings” her homage to the University of Florida for a winning season? Is “Sippy Sippy” baby talk for the Magnolia State (that’s Mississippi, friends). Oh wait, there is a “Big Baby” eyeshadow shade …

I assume most, if not all, are some reference to her YouTube video segments or slang she uses. I will say that the palette itself features some very lovely colors, and I would expect nothing less from Tarte. However, if Ms. grav3yardgirl wanted to truly represent the swamp, she fell short of some of its signature colors: purple, gold and black.

The Outfit Jigsaw Puzzle

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I’m pretty sure this takes “dressing for the airport” to a whole other level. What I see reminds me of a jigsaw puzzle, and Raggedy Anne here doesn’t know how to make the pieces fit.

Could she not decide what she wanted to wear, so she simply put on everything? Was she making sure she would be prepared for an impromptu in-flight game of strip poker?

At least she got her color combinations mostly right, although I’m pretty sure her plaid/lace/floral top is having an identity crisis. (Most of the outfits I’ve seen seem to suffer so — see this recent post.) Also, this flight was headed to the beach, so perhaps Raggedy was just making sure she was prepared to prevent sunburn. Personally, I would have chosen sunblock and a hat.

Capris for All Seasons?

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Washington, D.C. has been enjoying unseasonable warm weather the last few weeks. And, there has been a lot of talk about pants lately. However, I still don’t see that as an excuse to put these capris on. Admittedly, I hate all things corduroy. In my opinion, they are the ugliest pants to ever walk the earth. Why would people purposefully want to wear a couch? Or a bean-bag chair? Or a dog bed?

These corduroy pants in particular are a particular brand of special. The functional aspect of corduroy is for its warmth, right? I mean, in cold weather, I can’t run away from the fabric fast enough. So, the idea of corduroy capris simply doesn’t make sense to me. I mean, can someone truly be both a summer and fall? A spring and winter? I think not.

Not Quite Halloween

I had intended to write a post on some of the Halloween costumes I saw this weekend, but it dawned on me — Halloween is pretty much an excuse to wear your worst and actually get a thumb’s up. You can wear something completely ridiculous, that doesn’t make sense, is risqué or perfectly boring and cliché and get a pass.

So, instead, let’s have a look at this beauty I spotted before Halloween. One could argue it’s Halloween-esque. Except it’s doubtful it was superhero day wherever this poor soul works.

What we’re looking at here is a jumpsuit with essentially a cape. Sorry to tell you sister, but you won’t be leaping from tall buildings any time soon in this get-up. I would tell you to go put your real clothes on (after all, superheroes are usually incognito), but I’m kind of afraid of what that would look like. Oh wait. This. If she’s on her way to save the day, I wish someone would save her first – from future embarrassment by leaving the house with this on.

Stupid Makeup Names

A couple of years ago I stumbled upon this fantastic blog on the ridiculous names of nail polish. Stupid Nail Polish Names features satirical commentary, and dare I say social/political/cultural criticism, on nail polish branding. The blog delves into the “inventiveness” of such names as “Iris I Was Thinner,”Red Thong in Divorce Court,” (what?!?!?) and my personal favorite, “Dick Weed.”

The blogger? Genius! The polish puns? Not so much. Sadly, it appears the blog is no longer posting new material. Because bad fashion and bad make-up (both literally and figuratively) go hand in hand, I will pick up where “Stupid Nail Polish Names” left off. Of course, I will happily relinquish the torch should the blog ever start posting again.

I’ll start by taking a look at some of my own stash. A quick look at my lipstick bag — yes I have a bag just for lipstick — reveals a name that not only seems lazy but also somewhat repellent to actually wear.

I bring you “Mush,” by butter London.

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Described as a “dusty coral creme matte lipstick,” I’m not sure I want to put on something that reminds me of cornmeal boiled in water or milk. They should just say the formula is “porridge for your lips” rather that creme matte. Also, the last time I checked, cornmeal wasn’t “dusty coral.” I’m from the South, I know.

Further, mushing is traveling by dog sled. And, while I love dogs and almost took a dog-sled trip while in Iceland in March, this just makes me think about those warnings of not letting your dog lick you on the mouth, particularly this gross picture that constantly pops up on other sites.

Thanks butter London. That’s the look I’m really going for. On the bright side, it really is a pretty color, although I think it’s less “dusty coral” and more “dusty rose.”

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All that being said, do send me your stupid nail polish and make-up names here.

What Pants Am I?

These pants are clearly having an identity crisis. They can’t decide whether they want to be a bathrobe, a plush blanket or a tracksuit formerly known as Juicy Couture. Either way, they are walking around DC begging for an intervention or three-step program. As a side note, it would be great to convince them to come over to my house – my bathroom is in need of a new rug.

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